“With every word we utter, with every action we take, we know our kids are watching us. We, as parents, are their most important role models.”
Michelle Obama
One of the character traits that I appreciate in others is intentionality. I admire people with the presence of mind to know who they want to be in any given moment and have the discipline to maintain consistency. Through my work, I have realized that these people have high self-efficacy and live in alignment with their guiding principles in any environment, and I have been striving to do the same.
Enter motherhood… kids come along and disrupt the delicate balance of what your life looks and feels like. You are now responsible for a little human and their well-being. It’s an amazing feeling, yet also quite overwhelming. Do I breastfeed or use formula? Co-sleeping or room sharing? Parent or baby-led weaning? What’s the best car seat? Who makes the best stroller? I could keep going, but you get my point. Between these decisions, the kids themselves, and juggling everything else, it is difficult to realize just how much of YOU is being absorbed.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
You never truly realize how impressionable they are until you hear them repeat words you say and phrases you commonly use in a surprisingly accurate context. They pick up on your emotions and can sense when you’re upset, anxious, happy, silly, etc. Your guiding principles will be their first guiding principles. It’s one of our parental superpowers, but as the saying goes, with great power comes great responsibility.
For example, I knew before having kids that I never wanted to put my hands on them as a form of discipline. It was a clear guiding principle that I wanted to live by based on my childhood. I realize that others may have differing opinions on that principle, and as I consume articles, and posts and have conversations with other mothers, I appreciate the diversity of thought. I realize that there is no one size fits all when it comes to parenting, and I have made adjustments along the way in how I view discipline, emotion regulation, and behavior modification. It’s much easier to say what you won’t do than it is to fully understand why and how you can enhance your decision based on learnings.
What I’ve learned through my mental training is where my strengths and weaknesses are. I’ve briefly talked about this in previous posts, but I tend to be risk averse and uncertainty and I don’t get along. I’ve recently realized how much changing my relationship with the unknown impacts my ability to bring my best every day. How can I grow into who I want to become with that negative weight dragging behind me? I want my kids to have a different relationship with risk and uncertainty than I had. I want them to be ok being uncomfortable and understanding that on the other side of that is where great things happen. It starts with the way I speak to them and how I show up on a daily basis.
My kids are climbers, and they have always climbed higher at the playground than their age would suggest they could. I knew I wanted them to conquer fear and challenges at an early age, and I sat back and watched as they amazed themselves and me with what they could accomplish. I would see other parents tell their kids they couldn’t climb past a certain height, and while I understand the concern, I also felt that they were limiting them. I understand there is danger in them getting to a place that either I can’t get to or that they could fall. However, the words you use in those moments can start to shape how they view risk, challenges, and themselves.
In those moments of concern or danger, often the words that came to mind were “Be Careful!” and I’ve shifted that to something that acknowledges the concern or level of difficulty but also makes them think about the actions before doing them. “What’s your plan if you get up that high? “Do you see a clear path for you to get down?” “I like how you’re paying attention as you climb.”
‘Be Careful’ is one common phrase that I’m working on substituting. Another example of something we say often without noticing is ‘Good Job’. Instead of this non-specific results driven feedback, I’m working on saying things that highlight the effort or point to the experience of it. “You looked really focused on that, tell me about it”, “I can see that you’ve been working hard at that”, or questions like “Did you have fun drawing that?”, “What made you choose those colors?”
I still catch myself occasionally, but I’ve reduced my usage of phrases that are not uplifting, thought-provoking, or empowering. I can see the differences in how my kids respond. I also like that it requires me to be a more mindful parent. Really finding something specific to notice and comment on or challenging myself to find creative ways to facilitate risk-taking. When I’m less attentive, I revert a bit, and when I’m under recovered (lack of sleep), I’m less mindful. I’m noticing those movements more frequently, and its a great reminder to get back to the present moment. It’s all about the intentionality!
Till next time…
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